If you’ve ever lived with a man—and if you are one, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do…
—you’re aware of what we call the Bathroom Vortex.
Men go in… but they don’t come out.
We did a (very) casual poll of all our friends who live with a dude—by which we mean we started a group text chain which quickly devolved into a just bunch of GIFs about poop—and it seems like this is pretty universal.
After puzzling over all possible explanations, we decided to do some investigative reporting to see if we could get to the bottom of this bizarre phenomenon.
Here’s what we’ve come up with.
1. They have some important texts to send.
Everyone knows an open toilet bowl speeds up your 4G. If you haven’t texted your Grandma in awhile, why not do it mid-poop? She’ll love it!
Gosh, men are so smart.
2. There is a magical land you can only get to through the toilet bowl, that only men are invited to, and in order to keep it a secret they’ve conspired to perpetuate the myth that men take a really long time in the bathroom.
It’s like Narnia, but instead of magical fawns and talking lions, it’s populated with anthropomorphized poo.
3. They don’t know where the lid is, where the toilet paper is, where to put the toilet paper when they’re done, where the replacement roll is, or where to put said replacement roll once they’ve located it.
They’re all alone, with nothing but their wits to rely on, and they can’t ask you where anything is. It’s like an escape room.
Maybe they’ll send you a text about it.
4. They’re just putting tape all over their faces.
Cause why not.
5. They’re going through all your shit.
Ever wonder why your Vitamin C serum keeps running out so quickly? Yeah. Wonder no more.
6. They’re watching Queer Eye and having a good cry.
You know who you are.
7. They’re grabbing a quick (20 minute?) power nap.
We all know the benefits of napping. But what most people DON’T know, is that the best place to nap is with your bare ass stuck to a cold, hard porcelain surface, and your body in an awkward, slumped-down seated position. It’s something about circulation. 🤷
8. They’re jealous of all those times that women got to sit down to pee, so they’re making up for lost time.
Gender equality!
9. They have extremely complicated butts? So pooping takes longer?
I mean, we’re just grasping at straws here.
10. They’re… you know… not pooping.
Which means, they’re doing something else. Use your imagination.
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In conclusion… we got nothin’.
Looks like this is one mystery we’re all just going to have to learn to live with.
P.S. Here’s a fun surprise for your long-time-poopin’ man—get him this special birthday toilet paper, or sneak this all-occasions TP into the bathroom before his morning “meditation.”
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Let’s get right into it. There are a lot of… unforeseen side effects of a global health crisis.
Like, when you’re the CFO of a medium-sized startup company, but then you have to work from home, and also teach 2nd grade. Or when the catering manager of a large grocery store chain suddenly becomes a first responder, because grocery stores are CRAZY TOWN right now.
There’s a lot going on right now, and much of it is pretty grim. As usual, Seymour Butz is here to provide a bit of levity in an otherwise serious time.
Hooray! Your friend(s) recently purchased a new home! And boooo — that means you have to pick out ANOTHER housewarming present. Do your top three ideas involve plants, candles, artisan bread, and/or a bottle of wine?
HOW ORIGINAL.
So we did you a favor and pulled together 7 hilarious housewarming gift ideas that NO ONE else will think of.
