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July 11, 2019
When it comes to curse words and insults, the English language is replete with excellent choices. And yet, most of us have a pretty narrow range when it comes to what we actually say.
We’ve plumbed the depths of the Internet and pulled together the most creative, out-of-left-field curses we could find. (Full disclosure, most of them come from the UK. Those cheeky bastards have the best bad words.)
Let’s broaden our swearing horizons, no?
Describes a person or thing as useless as… well, you know. From George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series.
A person who drools a lot. Can be used as an old-timey equivalent to mouth breather.
This hidden gem from the American South sounds sweet (which is the point), but any Southerner worth her grits knows what it really means: Dang, you dumb.
Describes someone doing something idiotic. We like it best in its plural form: buncha chuckleheads. What happened to this insult? It’s so great!
A made up insult from Buddy the Elf, who was raised in the North Pole and never learned how to properly curse.
An old-timey American curse that roughly translates to goddamn! (See also: dadgum it, dadblast).
Basically means, f*ck off. A great thing to say when you leave the office on Friday afternoon. Everyone will wonder what you just said, and if they ask you about it, you can always play dumb and deny it! Seems to have gained in popularity after the 2009 British black comedy In The Loop.
When you need to call bullsh*t on something or someone, but you want to spice it up a bit. Also works when witnessing a ridiculous plot twist in a movie or television show. No preamble required; just make your declaration with grumpy authority: HORSE SHIT!Fucktrumpet
A British word for penis / idiot / intercourse / all three?. Unlike dick, which usually implies that the person in question is a jerk, knob usually connotes more of a dumb, ineffectual person, like a lump on a log. What a knob.
A versatile curse, this can be used as both an exclamation (Oh, pants! I burned the bacon again) or an adjective (This bacon went totally pants). It reminds us of another underused favourite of ours: balls.
Regardless of how the ‘c’ word strikes you (it depends on your culture, really), you have to admit this is a pretty great word to describe what Urban Dictionary calls, “a person who is acting like such a c***, that they alter the Earth's meteorological behaviour, resulting in near-apocalyptic storms with lethal levels of thunder.”
The best thing about an offbeat curse (dagnabbit!) is that it injects some humor into a sh*tty situation. Your tax bill might be astronomical, but a little laugh—even just a tiny smile, even just for a second—reminds you to ease up a bit.
Similarly, a well-timed, colorful insult can instantaneously defuse a heated situation, just by virtue of it being so unexpected. Just imagine shutting down your nemesis by calling her a cotton headed ninny muggins.
I mean, really. There’s no coming back from that.
10 Old-Fashioned Swears to Spice up Your Cussin', by Arika Okrent, Mental Floss
42 Old English Insults, by Paul Anthony Jones, Mental Floss
This Reddit thread
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March 26, 2020
Let’s get right into it. There are a lot of… unforeseen side effects of a global health crisis.
Like, when you’re the CFO of a medium-sized startup company, but then you have to work from home, and also teach 2nd grade. Or when the catering manager of a large grocery store chain suddenly becomes a first responder, because grocery stores are CRAZY TOWN right now.
There’s a lot going on right now, and much of it is pretty grim. As usual, Seymour Butz is here to provide a bit of levity in an otherwise serious time.
March 12, 2020
March 05, 2020
Hooray! Your friend(s) recently purchased a new home! And boooo — that means you have to pick out ANOTHER housewarming present. Do your top three ideas involve plants, candles, artisan bread, and/or a bottle of wine?
So we did you a favor and pulled together 7 hilarious housewarming gift ideas that NO ONE else will think of.